And We'll Be a Dream
by tortallanrider
Summary: Maybe she should have said yes. Life is full of maybes and shoulds. One dream, one opportunity to relive everything they've wondered about. The time dividers didn't save in the last two chapters. Sorry! Goes downhill at the end.
1. Chapter 1

**WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT, WE'LL BE SAFE AND SOUND.**

Ten years. Ten long years had gone by since the day Alanna and Jonathan fought in the desert, the day it all changed. Ten years since she'd turned him down, ten years since he'd walked away. Ten years is a long time. Those ten years found them both married, with children. Married to people they loved, and happily just friends. But every so often, they wondered. Sometimes it was around special moments for them, sometimes it was when they'd fought with their respective spouses. Sometimes, it was just a dream.

They both got those dreams. Dreams about what would have happened if she'd said yes, or he'd waited just a little bit longer. They would wake up next to their spouses, wracked with guilt over the dreams about a former lover. Dream could be funny that one. Neither ever woke up from dreams involving anyone else they'd slept with feeling guilty. Perhaps that was indicative of something. Did it mean… no. It couldn't.

_Did it mean they were meant for each other?_

One evening, ten years _to the day_ since their fight, Alanna crawled into her bed in Pirate's Swoop, Jonathan into his in Corus. Both workaholics, their spouses were already slumbering. Neither knew what the day meant, but they had an idea it was around the right time. They slid under the covers and stared up at the ceiling, waiting for sleep to overtake them. When it did, they dreamed.

* * *

_Once, I wrote decent Alanna/Jon fics. This is my attempt to get back to that. Similar to the vein of "Always," but probably in a different spirit. From now on, the story will be a dream, unless otherwise indicated. I won't put it in italics, it will just… be. Inspired, with lyrics from, "We'll Be a Dream" by We the Kings ft. Demi Lovato. I hope you enjoy!_


	2. Chapter 2

**WE'LL TAKE CONTROL OF THE WORLD LIKE IT'S ALL WE HAVE TO HOLD ONTO.**

On the road from Corus to the Great Southern Desert, Jonathan didn't talk much. His mind was consumed with thoughts of proposing to Alanna. The idea had been floating around for a few months, but he'd never really thought of it with any conviction. She didn't want love or marriage – that was abundantly clear. And he wasn't really sure if she would make the best queen, which was, unfortunately, something he had to take into account. He did know he loved her, and she loved him. But maybe that wasn't enough.

Myles was smart enough not to ask what he was thinking about. Both men were perfectly willing to ride in silence. Jonathan had questions, but he wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answers. Questions about what kind of queen Alanna would make, questions about what Myles though the reception would be… Many in at the palace were still adjusting to the idea of Alanna being female. Jonathan thought that bringing her home as his bride-to-be might give some of the older nobles heart attacks.

Meanwhile, Alanna had no idea he was coming. But he wasn't alone in his thoughts of marriage. She'd been busy, but the subconscious was a powerful thing. Sometimes, she dreamed of marrying Jonathan, and even allowed herself to consider what their future might be like, should they continue their romance. Much as she claimed to hate love and marriage, some part of her wanted to be married. She wanted to settle down, have a family… raise little lady knights… whether Jonathan was That Man or not, it was what she wanted, one day in the future. Jonathan would make a good father, and a great king. The question remained: would she make a good queen? She had a suspicion the answer to that question was a resounding "no."

* * *

"Do you want to surprise her?" Myles surprised Jonathan by asking one day, when they figured they were about halfway. Neither had written her any letters since beginning the trip. He'd never considered surprising her, but he'd been so wrapped up in his own head that he'd forgotten all about writing, even back to Corus.

"I suppose." Jonathan shrugged. "It's up to you. I haven't written anything." Myles nodded. He'd noticed that the young man had been quiet. Jonathan wasn't outgoing, but he wasn't normally this introverted either. Something was clearly on his mind. "I don't think she's going anywhere."

"So we'll surprise her then," he said. Jonathan nodded slowly, not really paying attention. He hoped Alanna wasn't going anywhere. How embarrassing it would be to ride in and find out she was off on some new grand adventure!

* * *

Alanna sat in a tent, talking to Ali Mukhtab when he told her visitors were coming. She looked puzzled. It was far too late for visitors. They exited the tent, and there, surrounded by subtly gawking members of the Bloody Hawk tribe, stood Sir Myles of Olau and… Prince Jonathan of Conté. She took in his blue eyes, dark hair, breeches, royal blue tunic… her eyes slid over every inch of him, taking it all in. She found it hard to swallow, and felt her heart beat faster.

"Hello Alanna," he said with a smile. "It's nice to see you too."

She shook her head and smiled brightly. "Hello! Welcome!" She winced slightly. To her own ears, her normally boyish voice sounded too high, too eager. What was it about Jonathan that turned her into such a gods-cursed _girl_? It was inappropriate for her to touch them, so they greeted each other somewhat awkwardly. When the proper arrangements were made, Alanna returned to her tent. Shortly thereafter, Jonathan poked his head in. "Can I come in?"

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Then they stood across from each other. Too far apart. Jonathan longed to step forward just a few steps and take her into his arms. But it had been months since they'd last seen each other. Things might have changed. "Hello. Again," he said finally, smoothing his hands down his thighs to keep them busy. "You look well."

"So do you." She tucked her copper hair behind her ears. "Did you have a pleasant trip?"

Who were these two people, having such a stilted conversation? These were not the best friends of eight, almost nine years. These were not the people who had gone to death and back together. These two people acted more like strangers than two lovers reuniting! But these two people were not just lovers. They were the heir to the throne and the Court's biggest scandal. And so they stood there, looking at each other, unsure of what to do.


	3. Chapter 3

**DO YOU REMEMBER THE NIGHTS WE STAYED UP JUST LAUGHING, SMILING FOR HOURS AT ANYTHING?**

Two young adults, one three years older than the other. One: tall, proud, handsome, raven-haired, with the carriage of a royal. The other: short, just as proud, violet-eyed, with a fierceness about her that was hard to miss. One, a lion. The other, the lioness. One beloved, the other terrified by love. Especially his love. Her words came flooding back to her – _"I'm scared. Help me, please."_ As he held her violet eyes in his own sapphire ones, she could see him years before, telling her, _"I'm scared too. At least we can be scared together."_

"Jonathan," she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. She swallowed it back. Not now. Not yet. She cleared her throat. "How have you been?"

"Bored," he answered, a playful smile teasing the corners of his mouth. "No one argues with me anymore."

"What a shame," she said sarcastically. "You need to be kept in your place."

"I've missed you." His words sat between them, smoldering with unexpressed emotion. They stood there again, in a silence that was in no way companionable. It was awkward, all consuming, the kind of silence that made them all too aware of the noises outside the tent. Alanna shifted and broke his gaze. Jonathan swore, and crossed the space between them easily. He grasped her to his chest and kissed her deeply, so deeply she could feel it in every fiber of her being. _This_, she thought, not finishing the idea before giving in to his kiss.

When they saw fit to break their mouths from each other, Jonathan ran his fingers through her short copper hair. "I've missed you," he whispered, voice raw with emotion.

"I've missed you too," she said, feeling like a girl once again. Jonathan constantly did that to her in a way nothing else did, not even her monthly cycle. He had this undeniable power of her that scared her, but intrigued her all at the same time. "How long are you staying?"

"As long as Ali Mukhtab has something to teach me," he answered and kissed her again. "Not long enough."

A wicked smile played on her lips. "Well then, we'll have to make the best of it."

"We will." Jonathan nodded solemnly. They both laughed as they sat to her bedroll.

* * *

Once the physical had been taken care of, the lovers lay in the warmth of their love, dealing with the formalities. "How was the ride?" Alanna asked.

"Oh, fine." He was silent for a moment. "Long. I had a lot of time to think."

"Good or bad?" she asked, knowing all too well the dangers thinking sometimes brought.

He paused again, frowning. "Both," he decided. He rolled on his side and propped himself up on his arm, looking down at her. "I intend to become the Voice of the Tribes."

Fear gripped her stomach. "It's dangerous," she told him quietly, hoping he wouldn't pick up on her nerves. She couldn't lose him. Not when she wasn't sure she could bring him back.

"Since when has danger stopped either of us from doing anything?" he asked gently. He read the fear in her eyes, but allowed it to pass. He kissed her. "It would be best for Tortall," he whispered. "We lose too many good men to skirmishes with the Bazhir. I could bring an end to that, or at least slow it considerably."

Alanna thought a moment and nodded. "You're right." And he was. She knew from her time with the Bazhir that they were good people, but she couldn't deny they had a long, bloody history with the Tortallans. Jonathan becoming the Voice had the potential to change that, to make relations better. To finally integrate the two worlds. "You're already thinking like a king," she teased. "One day, they're going to tell stories about you."

"And you," he said, looking at her seriously. "Alanna the Lioness, lady knight." She blushed and opened her mouth to protest when he added softly, "and queen."

The two words settled in the miniscule space between them. _Queen_? As in… the leader of the country? Alanna had considered marrying Jonathan, but never in the context of eventually ruling the country. Some small part of her hoped Roald and Lianne lived forever, but she knew better than almost anyone that would not be the case. Lianne had been sickly for years.

"Jon," she whispered finally, "what are you asking me?"

He looked at her, blue eyes serious. "Marry me."

"_What?!_" she hissed, sitting up fully. "Are you mad? I can't marry you!"

He sat up and looked at her. "Why not?"

"Because I-I-" she searched for the proper excuse. "I just _can't_! I killed your cousin. I hid my sex. I'm the Court scandal! You should marry a princess to bring you wealth and an alliance, not…" she paused. "Jon, think of the things they'll say. About you, about me… about it all. You want to do great things, but you can't do great things when people hate your queen."

"Alanna, you're talking nonsense." He took her hands. "Your friends won't allow them to disparage you. They'll stand up for you. Have you no faith in them?" He forced her to meet his eyes and whispered, "Have you no faith in me? I won't let them talk about you like that. The scandal has died down some since you left. Things are all right." He kissed her softly. "Trust me."

"I don't…" her voice drifted off. She wanted to marry Jon, but part of her knew she couldn't. She wasn't fit to be queen. He had been bred to rule; she had learned to be a knight. That was her destiny, not presiding over Court functions and being politically correct all the time. She wasn't sure she could handle being trapped in Corus the rest of her life, let alone having to hold her tongue every day. "I don't know if I can do it, Jon. I love you." She touched his cheek, looking sad. "But I can't be queen."

Jonathan kissed her deeply, sending her heart aflutter. "Think about it," he whispered. "I don't need an answer now."

"But-"

"No," he said firmly. "Take time. Sleep on it. Think about it. Don't make any rash decisions." He lay back down. "Can we sleep now? I'm tired."

She nodded slowly, dreamily, and lay her head down on his shoulder. He kissed the top of her head. "I love you, Alanna."

It wasn't until she felt his breathing slow, until she was nearly sure he was asleep, that she said, "And I love you, Jon."

* * *

_Fine. It was sappy and fluffy, and probably out of character. So sue me. I just skimmed some parts I needed to. I had a paper, so I haven't gotten around to doing all my re-reading. Do you forgive me? I had to work on this now, because I needed a distraction. College responses come in four days, so I'm a bit of a basket case. Some good AJ fluff does my head good. Please let me know what you think!_


	4. Chapter 4

**DO YOU REMEMBER THE NIGHTS WE MADE OUR WAY DREAMING, HOPING OF BEING SOMEONE BIG?**

Their days fell into a routine. While the sun was out, Jonathan worked closely with Ali Mukhtab, preparing for his Rite of the Voice, while Alanna taught and performed her duties as a shaman. They rarely saw each other, which was perfect. It gave her the time and space she needed to properly consider his proposal. Jonathan knew this, and intentionally avoided her, but led her to believe that he just didn't have time to see her. He wanted to see her – some part of him _craved_ seeing her. But he'd never tell her that. He had his pride.

At night, after dinner, the Prince and his former squire would sit up talking for hours, before going back to their own tents (if they were not already in them) to sleep. They did not sleep together while she considered his offer. It was an unspoken code. She was concerned it would color her judgment, and he didn't want to seem as if he were pressuring her.

Jon grew more nervous with each passing day. Every morning, he woke up hoping that would be the day Alanna said yes, and kept that hope alive until he fell asleep. Even then, she appeared in his dreams. He saw a variety of scenarios, one being her saying "no" and them getting into a massive argument, him storming out, them not speaking… _If that's the outcome,_ he thought, _I don't know what I'll do._ He was fairly sure – actually, he was nearly positive – that life would go on without Alanna in it. If she said no, he would smart for a bit before finding someone else. Maybe someone better. But he loved her and she loved him. He had his doubts about her abilities to rule the country, but she was a quick learner. They had all learned that during her days as a page. They had all learned not to underestimate Alan (now Alanna. Having known about her sex for five years already, Jonathan knew that the only difference between Alan and Alanna was the name).

If Alanna was intentionally avoiding Jonathan in return, she was lying even to herself. Faithful accused her of avoiding him, but she always shrugged it off. What did Faithful really know? (A lot, but she liked lying to herself. It made life simpler.) She had serious doubts about being queen. She knew it would tie her to the country for years. She would never get her adventures. Alanna had never planned on sticking around Corus – she wanted to make a real difference, save lives, fight in duels… maybe being friends (and more) with Jonathan had complicated that, but she never really thought he would forbid her from travelling. Not even as king. He knew it was too important to her.

One evening, Jonathan and Coram went for a ride. Ostensibly, Jonathan wanted to talk to Coram, but it was really to get away from Alanna. Seeing her, but not touching her, holding her, really talking to her… it was draining on him. When they were gone, Alanna consulted Myles about what to do.

"Do you want to marry him?" Myles asked in his blunt way.

"Ye- N-" Alanna frowned. "I don't know."

"Well." Myles took a sip of brandy. "It would be wise to figure it out before you give him an answer."

Alanna sighed. "I love him, but…"

"But he's the prince," finished the knight. "And you're not sure if you can be queen."

"Exactly." She sighed again, looking at the ground. "Do I want to marry him? Yes. Do I want to be queen? No, not really."

Myles laughed. "One goes hand in hand with the other." They sat in a thoughtful silence. "If you aren't sure, tell him as much. You can usually change your mind from no, but once you've said yes…"

Alanna considered his words. "Thank you, Myles," she said, smiling at him. "You've given me a lot to think about."

"I'm not sure you need anything extra on your mind right now," he teased. They laughed, and her mind was at ease.

For the time being.

* * *

A few days later, when Jonathan stopped in to visit her before bed, she was standing to greet him. "Hello," he said with a smile. "You look… nervous." She did. She was shifting her weight from foot to foot, and her hands were behind her back, almost as if she were hiding something. Concern crossed his handsome face. "Is something wrong?"

"I have an answer for you," she told him quickly.

Jonathan perked up. "Oh?"

"You're not going to like it."

"I'm not?"

Alanna took a deep breath. "I can't marry you, Jonathan." He felt something in his stomach twist, and bile rise in his throat. Didn't she love him? Didn't she care? How could she say no? After all they'd been through? Before he could say anything, she met his sapphire eyes. "Not yet."

"Excuse me?" His voice was sharper than he'd intended, more formal.

"I've barely had my shield," she explained. "I told you before – I didn't want to fall in love. I wanted to be a warrior maiden, and go on grand adventures. I love you, Jon, you know I do. But I don't want to be tied to Corus just yet. I want my adventures. I want my time to be me. Whoever _I_ am."

Jonathan sighed, and rubbed his temples. "What are you saying, Alanna? Speak plainly."

"I'm telling you to wait."

"To wait."

"Yes."

"How long?"

"I don't know. Until I find me. Until I have my adventure."

"So, what? We're together, but not really? We're kind of betrothed, but not really? Explain this to me, Alanna."

"Don't get angry with me."

"I'm not _angry._" Actually, he was. But, on some level, he understood what she was saying. "I'm confused. Are you saying no, or are you saying yes?"

"I'm saying no _for now._"

"I can't wait forever."

"I know." She was softer than he'd seen before. Normally, when he got this riled, she would counter him, line for line. But she seemed to have really thought this through, and had a rational approach to the whole thing. She took a step closer. "I love you, Jon," she whispered. "I want to marry you. But I've just pretended to be Alan for eight years. I was Alanna to you and George, but not really. Let me find out who this Alanna person is before I put her in front of the world."

Jonathan nodded. "Okay." He wasn't entirely okay with it, but it would suffice, for the time being. He took her hands. "I love you too, Alanna, but don't make me wait forever." He kissed her. "Because I won't." She bristled at the edge in his voice.

"What does that mean?" Her voice turned chilly.

"It means," he said, wrapping his arms around her, "that we're not getting any younger, and neither are my parents." His sapphire eyes filled with sadness. "I don't want to guilt you into anything, but I don't want to be stuck waiting around for years. I've waited a long time – _we've_ waited a long time. I don't want to prolong this any longer than I have to."

"I know." They kissed. "Go back to Court when you're done," she told him. "Don't worry about me. Go… mingle. Flirt." A smile played on her lips. "Maybe you'll find some lady at Court more to your liking than me. And perhaps I'll find someone I like better than you." He frowned at that. "Or not." She shrugged. "We aren't bound to each other." But she knew that was a lie. She was bound to him – he had her heart, and she had his.

Jonathan sighed. "All right," he said. "I'll wait." He kissed her. "I'll mingle and flirt, as you put it." They smiled at each other. "You'll write letters?"

"Of course. As long as you write back." They embraced like old friends rather than lovers. At that moment, they were just old friends. They were going to go their separate ways, and maybe their paths wouldn't merge again as more than friends. Maybe they would.

Their lives had never been theirs to control. Jonathan was the heir – he'd known his destiny from the time he was born. Alanna was one of the Goddess's Chosen, a hard path to walk, and had made her destiny when she chose (if she really had any say in the matter) to become a knight. They did not have easy paths to travel, and their relationship had only made it harder. But both proved adept at overcoming challenges, and neither doubted this would pass, should things go sour or turn out differently.

Life is fully of maybes, and their future together was another to add to the list.

* * *

_This one was a bit longer. I think I'll probably skip some time, for my own sake. Three days until responses. I get more nervous every day! I'm on my way to finishing the series again (this would be my eighth read through). I've actually got a blog all set up if you want to read it sometimes. I'll fill it with quotes, random thoughts as I procrastinate, and maybe even little ficlets I think up when I'm bored. The link's on my profile. Again, thanks for reading! And reviews are lovely. I like knowing what y'all are thinking about it! Lastly, I'm about out of lyrics, so I'll have to pick another song soon. If you have suggestions… leave it in a review, or send me a pm. Thanks again!_


	5. Chapter 5

**WE WERE TOO YOUNG THEN, WE WERE TOO CRAZY IN LOVE**

Time passed.

Alanna went on her grand adventure. In fact, the one that found her might have been the grandest adventure of them all: a trip to the Roof of the World. From their letters, Jonathan gathered she was bringing home a Shang Dragon, the Dominion Jewel, and a princess who many considered to be the most beautiful in the world. Some small part of him wondered if that were a hint – letting him down easy, as it were.

While she was gone, Jonathan's parents died. He hadn't been able to tell her for weeks, although she might have known right away had she joined with the Voice every evening. (She didn't, and he was fairly certain it had something to do with him.) It was easier to hide things from her in letters, which made him feel dishonest. He promised himself to never lie to her if they ever got married. He also found himself spending considerable amounts of time with George, who loved Alanna just as much as Jonathan did, if not more. He suspected George may have even loved her longer.

The Lioness was never far from his mind. He worried about her constantly, but something inside him told him she was okay. He often berated himself for being concerned about her, and often teased their mutual friends about _their_ concern. "She can take care of herself," he told them, "she's proved it over and over." And she had. Alanna had always been tough. It had been impressive when she was Alan, the smallest page, but was even more so now that they all knew she was a girl, though no one would admit that to her face, or even within ear shot.

Leagues away, Alanna often thought of Jonathan, especially when she was freezing to death retrieving the Jewel. She knew she couldn't have made the journey with Jonathan – it was far too dangerous – but she imagined his warmth wrapped around her, and it helped, even if it was only in her mind. She stayed up late one evening discussing him with Thayet, who had once been considered, albeit briefly, as a potential wife. Thayet wasn't much help – no one really was. Everyone agreed she had to make the decision for herself, something she wasn't overly enamored with. Why couldn't someone just tell her to "do this" or "do that"? It would be so much easier.

The group met Raoul and a ship to take them back to Tortall. As they boarded, Alanna muttered, "I hate boats." Everyone laughed, and told her she could have a room to herself. She glared at them all, but in a good-natured way.

"Excited to be heading home?" Raoul asked one evening when he and Alanna sat up talking. Her hand was never far from her stomach, her body never far from the side of the ship.

She hesitated before nodding. "Yes and no," she answered. "I miss familiar places, but I'm going to miss traveling and seeing new ones." She felt her stomach turn over and clutched the wooden side. She wondered how much Raoul knew. "But going home after time away always feels nice."

The big knight nodded. "Everyone sends their regards," he told her. "Jon gave me a letter to give to you."

"Did he?" she asked absently, her mind more focused on whether or not she was going to throw up.

Raoul looked amused. "I'll let you finish."

"I'm not going to-" before she could finish her sentence, she felt dinner rise in her throat.

* * *

_Dear Alanna,_

_I'm not sure when Raoul will give you this letter, or even when it will reach you. I hope it reaches you well. You were fine last I heard from you, but letters come in every few days. Mail from that far isn't exactly speedy, although we do our best. I'm sure Thom could tell me instantly whether or not you were still alive, but part of me fears that he'll tell me you aren't. _

_Stop glaring at the paper; it's not really me. I know you can take care of yourself – how many times have you proved it in front of me? (Don't answer that.)_

_I can't tell you how much I've missed you, although I assume you could gather about how much from the letters. I'm both looking forward to and dreading your return, because I fear you'll bring an answer. I'm trying to be honest with you, Alanna, because you're important to me, and honesty is something I have grown to value. (With you around all the time, I've gotten rather used to people being completely honest with me!)_

_I'll see you soon, or soon enough. I'm sorry this letter isn't as involved as my previous ones. I'm holding back news to share until you're home again so we have something to talk about, topics to delay us. I love you, Sir Alanna, and I anxiously await seeing you again._

_Love,_

_Jon._

* * *

_Dear Jon,_

_I will never send this letter, because I will see you before too long. I have been told we're two days out. Hopefully, you'll be waiting for __me__ us. I've reread your letter more times than I can count, or care to admit freely. I eventually had to burn it just to stop looking at it. I will never tell you that, no matter how honest we are being with each other._

_I do have an answer for you, Jon. I have thought long and hard about it over the past several months, and I have gone back and forth. I've been driving everyone mad considering it. I hope I have made the right choice._

_Love__,_

_Alanna._

She finished the letter as Tortall's coastline appeared in the distance. She blew on the parchment to dry the ink before incinerating it, watching her words burn. _Please Goddess,_ she prayed, fingering the ember around her neck, _let me have made the right choice._

* * *

_Don't yell at me if it's out of character or I've left out details. I'm not Tamora Pierce (obviously) and this is a revisionist fan fiction (obviously). I would assume you all know what her answer is, or you think you know. Next chapter, I'll probably have a new song. Two days until I hear back, and I'm going to try to do as much reading as possible to get you more of this story. Let me know what you think. If you've read "Always," how does it stack up? I feel some similarities, but not so many I feel like I'm rewriting it. Thanks to all those who have reviewed. I appreciate all the support._


	6. Chapter 6

**DRIVING THE LONG, LONG ROAD TO YOU, NO IT AIN'T EASY, THE WHEELS ARE TURNING ROUND AND ROUND, BUT I'M AT THE BEGINNING.**

Jonathan of Conté sat astride his big black horse as the ship carrying his former squire entered the harbor at Port Caynn. He saw her red hair and smiled, shifting in his saddle. He could spot her from a mile out. A large figure came up beside her. Raoul. Of all the knights to meet her, Raoul may have been the best choice. He was the largest knight, and an old friend of Alanna's. Jonathan knew he would take good care of her.

The party moved toward him after disembarking. Bows and curtsies rippled through the group. "Your Highness," Raoul said. He looked up at his friend with glittering black eyes. "Or is it 'your majesty' now?"

"Forgotten your etiquette lessons already, Raoul?" Jonathan asked dryly. "Perhaps we should make you a page again." The knights shivered, remembering the hard work they endured to earn their shields. "It's still highness, but majesty would not be entirely inappropriate."

"Thank you for the refresher," Raoul played along.

"He's forgotten his manners again," Alanna said, elbowing him lightly in the ribs. "Jonathan, I'd like to introduce you to Thayet _jian_ Wilima, Buriram Tourakom, and Liam Ironarm, our companions. This is Prince Jonathan of Conté – soon to be King Jonathan." Jonathan moved his gentle blue gaze to the beautiful woman – Thayet. She really was stunning, and had a strong, defiant twinkle in her eye. He suspected she was more formidable than she looked. The shorter, darker woman must have been Buriram. She had a fierce look about her as well, and Jonathan knew Liam was a Shang Dragon, a nearly impossible station to reach. He could not imagine better companions for her on her dangerous journey.

Alanna looked quickly between Thayet and Jonathan, searching for any sign of a spark. She didn't see anything, but she was still very queasy from the boat trip here. "Can we get underway?" she asked. "I would like to get away from the sea as quickly as possible."

"I think that would be a good idea," Thayet agreed with a nod. "Can you ride?"

Alanna gave her a surprised look. "How else am I going to get back to Corus?"

* * *

Jonathan and Alanna talked companionably on the journey back, often including Raoul and Thayet, sometimes Buri and Liam. They kept the conversation light and friendly rather than dealing with the obvious issue between them: her answer to his marriage proposal.

As they rode into the City, she whispered, "Might I peel off and pay a visit to George?"

Hurt filled his blue eyes. He had wanted an answer. "If you'd like," he told her. "I'd rather you come back and visit him another day, but I'm not about to keep you from seeing him." Jonathan knew that she'd go even if he asked her not to. She seemed to have selective hearing at times.

She nodded. "All right. I'll be back before long." At the proper place, she moved away from the group and rode toward the Dancing Dove.

* * *

Several hours later, a knock came at Jonathan's door. He sat, reading over a report from one of the border fiefs. He had a feeling that, after the coronation, he would spend a lot of time reading such reports. "Who is it?" he called.

"Alanna," came the reply. A tense silence filled the space between his desk and the door.

"Come in." The door opened and closed before he looked up. There she stood, in the same breeches and blue shirt she'd arrived in. "Have a nice trip to the Dove?"

"Yes," she answered simply. "They all miss 'Johnny.' I think they've decided future king Jonathan just happens to bear a striking resemblance to you."

"That or they're took drunk to care."

"That too." They laughed. "It was nice to see George. I'd missed him."

"Didn't you write letters?"

She shrugged. "Some. But letters and face-to-face communication are very different." Her words sat between them for a moment.

"I missed you," he said finally.

"I missed you too," she answered, almost automatically. Before he could say anything else, she sighed. "I suppose I owe you an answer."

He nodded. "You do."

Alanna tucked her copper hair behind her ear, avoiding his gaze. He rose, having a feeling he knew what was coming. And he wasn't sure he was going to like it. He felt his heart rate increase ever so slightly. "Jonathan-"

"Wait." He pushed himself out of his chair and crossed the room, grabbing her by the shoulders and pressing his mouth to hers. She resisted for only a moment before losing herself in the familiar feeling of his lips and his body pressed against hers. They moved in perfect synchronization. She had missed this. Alanna melted ever so slightly… just before Jonathan pulled back. "Now," he said, a wicked smile playing on his mouth. "What was it you wanted to say?"

"Mithros, I hate you," she muttered. Jonathan laughed. "I can barely think straight."

"Do you want to come back another time, then?" he asked. "I can wait…" he really couldn't, but there was no need for her to know that.

"No," she said firmly. "I have to tell you now." _Before I lose my nerve._

"All right." Jonathan sat down again, holding her gaze steady. "I'm ready."

"Jonathan, I love you. I'm sure I will always love you. But…" she paused and took a deep breath. "I can't be queen. You and I both know I would make a miserable queen. You don't want me to run the country. I can't do you any good in gowns, stuck here all the time. I could do so much more out and about, using my shield for something. I didn't spend eight years as a boy just to sit around in a _dress_!" She stopped, and Jonathan just nodded. "So… I can't marry you." He nodded again, looking just beyond her, not directly at her. "So… I'm saying no." He just kept nodding. "Jon? Jonathan?" She peered at him, concerned. "Are you all right?"

He looked into her eyes, fire burning in his otherwise calm face. "I'm fine," he told her in a tense voice. "Perfectly fine."

"Jonathan, I-"

"Just go," he told her, turning away. "Just… leave."

"Okay." She left as quietly as possible, knowing this wasn't the time to fight with him. Once she was gone, Jonathan called on his Gift to ward his room from curious ears. Satisfied that the spell was complete, he allowed the tears to roll down his cheeks.

* * *

_At least some of you must have been expecting that. I'm a big fan of twists and turns, as you should know. My old stories are full of them! But this isn't the end. The new song, for now, is "Mirror, Mirror" by Diane Birch. She's fantastic, look her up. I'll need a new one before too long, I bet. Just my luck, picking songs with relatively few lyrics. Anyway. Drop a review. I could use a pick me up._


	7. Chapter 7

**WHY DO YOU HIDE? WHY DON'T YOU LOOK ME IN THE EYE?**

The next day, Alanna saw Jonathan in one of corridors. "Good morning," she greeted brightly, trying to make the best out of what was clearly a bad situation. He acknowledged her with a curt nod and a brief, "Sir Alanna." The use of her title stopped her in her tracks.

"What did you just call me?" she asked, giving him a questioning look.

He turned expressionless blue eyes on her. She nearly gasped – she had never seen this Jonathan before, and she'd seen all facets of him. "I said, 'Sir Alanna,'" he repeated slowly. "Did I miss something? Would you prefer me to attach your fiefs? Would you rather be called Lady Knight? Please tell me so I can make sure we address you properly."

"What's wrong with you?" she asked quietly, stepping toward him. "Is everything all right?"

"I'm fine, but I have to go. Good day." He gave her a deep nod and strode off, leaving her staring at his back.

She'd had a feeling he'd be mad, but not like this. How could he just _ignore_ her like that? They were still best friends, weren't they? She didn't understand, so she sought out Thayet, who nearly laughed in her face. "You turned down his marriage proposal, Alanna," the beautiful woman said, looking amused. "How did you _think_ he would react?"

"I don't know," the knight admitted. "I had a feeling it would hurt his pride a bit, but… I'd've thought he might've prepared himself for the rejection."

"Even if he did, it still hurt, I'm sure. No man likes to have his heart broken, and you two were more than just lovers. You've been through a lot together."

Alanna pondered this statement for a moment. It was true. She and Jonathan had faced death, immortals, gods, knights, and inexplicable rites together. They shared friends, jokes, laughter, and love. They'd been bound together since her days as a page, and even more so since her seventeenth birthday. Part of him belonged her and part of her belonged to him. Suddenly, something inside her twisted and she began to cry. The small redhead collapsed against the wall in Thayet's room and sobbed. Thayet looked alarmed and quickly shut the door. "Shh…" she whispered, sitting beside the knight, stroking her hair. "Shh. It'll be all right. Shh."

"Oh gods," Alanna sobbed. "What have I done?"

* * *

At dinner, everyone noticed the distance between Jonathan and Alanna. They weren't speaking, and she refused to look at him, which was awkward, considering their proximity. Gary, Raoul, and Myles exchanged concerned looks over the table, while Thom looked between the two of them, an interested look on his face. Years in the City of the Gods had hardened him, but he had a small (very, very small) soft spot for his twin sister, who had made his training as a sorcerer possible in the first place. Raoul and Gary went to talk to Jonathan, while Myles tracked down his adopted daughter.

"Alanna." She turned and saw Myles. "Come with me. Let's talk."

"Why?" she asked, looking suspicious.

He looked offended. "I can't talk to my own daughter and heir to my fief? I'm hurt."

"I'm sorry, Myles," she said with a sigh. "I'd love to talk with you."

Meanwhile, Jonathan and his two friends sat in his study, staring at each other more than talking. "What's going on between you and Alanna?" Gary asked flatly.

"Nothing," the soon-to-be-king answered too quickly. "Why do you ask?"

"A blind man could have seen the way you avoided each other at dinner," Raoul remarked casually. "And if you two aren't friends, I think we have a right to know. You know, to avoid awkward situations."

Jonathan eyed them. "That, or are the two of you nosy and curious?" Neither answered. He sighed. "Nothing's going on. You two are overreacting."

"Really." Gary sat back in his seat. "So you weren't avoiding each other? Come on, Jon. We were sitting right there. We all saw it."

The young man's blue eyes turned steely. "There's nothing going on," he said. "And, if there were, I certainly wouldn't want to be talking about it!"

The big knights exchanged a glance. There was something there all right. "You can talk to us, Jon," Raoul said softly. "That's what friends are for, after all."

"I'm fine. I don't want to talk. Alanna and I are fine."

The young men sighed, fairly certain Jonathan would get angry if they pressed any more. Maybe Myles was having more luck.

He was, as he had the benefit of knowing some of the background. "So. What happened between you and Jonathan?" he asked, settling into the chair in his own study, glass of brandy in hand.

Alanna traced designs in the velvet of her chair. "Nothing," she lied. "Why do you ask?"

"You were avoiding each other at dinner," Myles said. "It wasn't very subtle. Did you have a fight?"

"No," she sighed. "He's just got a sore ego."

"Ah. What this time? Certainly not a match of skills, as you've beaten him before."

"If only it were so simple." She shook her head, then paused before meeting his eyes. "No, I told him I wouldn't marry him."

"I see." Myles lapsed into silence, sipping at his brandy. "How do you feel about that?"

"Fine. It was the right choice." Her answer came too quickly, and she knew it. She colored as Myles raised his eyebrow. "It's not like I had another choice, Myles. I can't be queen."

"Why not?"

"Look at me!" She finally met his eyes, fire burning in her famed purple eyes. "I'm the Court _scandal._ No matter how much you insist they've all gotten over the shock, I see how people look at me. I'm a scandal, and everyone knows it. Tortall will always see me as the girl who faked her sex for eight years – _lied_ for eight years. A queen demands respect, and I'll never it get it. Especially not from the older nobles. On top of that-" She took a deep breath. "I killed Roger. No matter how evil I insist he was, some part of me knows that I'll never be forgiven for it."

"By who? Jonathan's forgiven you; the king and queen forgave you. You saved the queen's life, Alanna, and Jonathan's too. Who could fault you for that? And, as for your secret keeping, this Court needs a good scandal now and then. Keeps the old folks like me interested and alive."

She laughed briefly. "You aren't old." Myles laughed with her, forcing her to actually laugh, not to force the sound. They fell into a comfortable silence. "I don't know," she sighed. "What if I did make the wrong choice?"

"You still have time," Myles reminded her. "He's not betrothed yet, and he won't be for some time, I'd imagine. You have time to change your mind."

"What if he doesn't want to listen?"

The older man shrugged. "Make him. Since when do you take 'no' for an answer?"

* * *

_Alanna is keeping me relatively sane right now for reasons I don't feel like getting into. Let's just say that there's a reason I credit these books with where I am now. Drop a review, hope you enjoyed._


	8. Chapter 8

**I'M CHASING RAINBOW'S END, I'M FIGHTING THE WEATHERMAN**

Two weeks passed. Two weeks of nothingness. It became awkward for almost everyone, but most were too scared to say anything. Jonathan seemed frustrated all the time, his eyebrows knit together. Those who wished to ignore such turmoil in Court forced themselves to believe he was stressed. Alanna stormed about, clearly unhappy, and disappeared for long periods of time. Her friends knew she went into the city to see George, or occasionally Olau when she really needed to leave. Many were frightened to annoy her – they saw what she had done to Duke Roger. Her twin was the only one who dared antagonize her in front of anyone, and she would glare at him and threaten bodily harm.

But that same twin had a soft spot for his sister. While he was a jerk to everyone else, he was sweet to Alanna. She could not cry to him as she did to George, but he was there to coax her into a better temperament. They spent hours pouring over books from Trebond, looking for ways to improve their home fief. Thom knew nothing about running it, so Alanna taught him what she knew, and he shared some of his magical knowledge with her.

Alanna introduced Thayet and George and immediately regretted it. The thief became infatuated with the beautiful woman, and Alanna felt she lost her best friend and potential lover. George had loved her for years, possibly before Jonathan even knew she was a girl. And, after Thayet, it seemed he no longer loved her that way.

One night, when they were alone, she said as much. "So, when are you going to officially propose?" she asked sarcastically.

George snapped from his reverie. "What?"

"You heard me." She took a sip from her lemonade, wishing just a little that it were something stronger. "When are you and Thayet going to be married?"

"I can't marry her," George insisted. "A lass like that…"

"You're a king in your way." He eyed her and she smiled. "Oh, please. You think she would blink twice at marrying you? She's a princess without a homeland now, so she has no throne."

George shook his head. "Never thought I'd see th' day Alanna the Lioness tried t' play matchmaker."

"I'm not playing matchmaker. I am simply making an observation." George didn't deign her with a response. Alanna needed to see two people happy. _I guess this is what I get for learning to love,_ she thought bitterly. _I get my heart broken and then watch my best friend fall in love with someone else._ After everything else she'd been through, why had the Goddess let her go down this particular path? Sometimes, she wondered if life wouldn't be easier if she'd never been born at all.

* * *

The coronation could not come fast enough. All these preparations were giving him a headache. Jonathan closed the book he was attempting to read and rubbed his temples with a sigh. Everything seemed to be giving him headaches these days. He could easily dull the pain, but then the ache started elsewhere, an ache no magic in the world could fix. Before his mind could wander there, he shoved her violet eyes from his head. "No," he muttered. "No, no."

But the images came anyway. Just moments. He closed his eyes and allowed them to play out on his eyelids – their fight with the Ysandir, her clothes disappearing, the sound of her voice as she pulled him back from death itself, rescuing her in Tusaine, holding her hair as she vomited, their first kiss in his tent during the war… moments both good and bad passed through his memory, and he could see them as if they happened yesterday. He saw the fear in her violet eyes that night of her seventeenth birthday, he saw her standing over Roger's body, a mixture of complex emotions. He saw the love in her eyes when he met her in the desert; he saw her concern after his Rite of the Voice. He saw her smiling, he saw her crying, he saw her angry, he saw her fighting, he saw her as Alan, as Alanna, and as the Lioness. He saw her as the girl she once was, he saw her as the woman she was becoming. He saw her - his best friend, and the love of his life.

Shaking his head to clear it, he opened his eyes and saw it was nearly sundown. Calmly, he locked the door. It was time for the Moment of the Voice, something he needed to be alone and focused for. Even on the nights when he just wanted to work so he could sleep at a reasonable time, he knew he had to fulfill his duty to the Bazhir. Settling cross-legged on the bed, Jonathan quieted his thoughts and allowed his people into his mind.

* * *

She paced around her room like the cat on her shield. This was getting ridiculous. She was tired of not talking to her best friend; she was tired of waking up crying. And she was especially tired of seeing Jon. She needed to get this over with. They needed to work past it or decide they had reached an impasse. But they could not continue on like this. She felt her temper being to boil, and made the impulsive decision to storm to his chambers, which weren't far from her own. (Intentional when he thought she would be coming home to be his betrothed, and the arrangement hadn't been changed.)

She knocked on the door. "Jon!" she called. "It's Alanna. Open the door." There was no answer. "Jon!" She tried the knob. It was locked. Of course it was. She turned on her heel and began to walk away, but something stopped her. She glanced out the window and saw that the sun was setting. The Moment of the Voice. She had seen it, but never participated. She could not imagine giving anyone, especially Jon, that much of her. But maybe… maybe this time it was worth it.

The Lioness returned to her chambers and lit a fire. She settled down, hoping she could join properly. She was coming in a bit late, after all, and she was trying this for the first time on her own, not surrounded by fellow tribes-people. Suddenly, it was like she lost her body. She knew it was there, but her mind was free floating. She could see Jonathan, but she couldn't touch him. She saw his peaceful face. "What troubles you?" he asked in his deep voice. She felt a shiver of pleasure at the sound. She missed his voice. A hand stretched out and she took it, emptying her mind of all her fears and concerns – from the spiders living in the corner of her room, to meeting expectations, to her lingering fear of the dead Duke of Conté… finally, her mind slipped to Jonathan. She could not read his expression when her thoughts about him entered him. _Will he know this when it's over?_ She wondered, unsure of what she wanted the answer to be.

Slowly but surely, the Moment came to an end. Alanna opened her eyes, consumed with the fear that Jonathan would know how she felt… but an even bigger part feared he wouldn't.

* * *

_As far as I know, there's nothing specific about the Moment of the Voice in the books. If I have misrepresented something, feel free to let me know (politely), and I'll do what I can to remedy it. I already know how this is going to end, but I will try not to rush. New story up! I'm on break for a bit, so I'll try to update as much as I can. Also, I have committed to college, so I can now let the senioritis overtake me. Thanks for the reviews and support!_


	9. Chapter 9

**BABY I AIN'T GETTIN' WISER, TRYIN' TO FIND THAT OLD ROAD TO YESTERDAY, DON'T YOU KNOW I'M ONLY GETTING OLDER? WATCHIN' EVERY MOMENT BLOWIN' LIKE A FEATHER IN THE WIND**

Jonathan emerged from the Moment feeling very confused. Sometimes he recalled the thoughts, sometimes he didn't. But Alanna's were clear in his mind. He could feel her hesitation, he saw what she saw: a future where they were terribly unhappy, all romantic spark gone, and the friendship fading. He saw himself through her eyes, sitting only a few seats down from her at the table, but feeling miles apart. He understood how much she had thought over her decision… and he knew that she still wanted to marry him.

Before he could change his mind, Jonathan rose and unlocked the door, striding out into the hall. He wound his way through the corridors, determinedly focusing only on her in his mind. He pounded on her door. "Alanna, it's Jonathan. Open up."

She did, a sour look on her face. "I stopped being your squire two years ago, _Jonathan_," she said.

"But I'm still your king. You are sworn to me."

"If you're going to play that card, you can just leave," she snapped. "I don't need to see you if you're going to play royal with me."

"Well, aren't we in a temper?" he drawled. "Something bothering you, Lioness?"

Her violet eyes snapped at him. "You…" she bit her tongue before she could say something truly inflammatory. "You know very well what's going on, because of that stupid Moment of the Voice nonsense. That, or you just have _very_ convenient timing."

"Maybe I should leave, since you clearly have no interest in being _civil._"

"I'm not the one who's been silent for weeks! I didn't start this, Jonathan. You did."

"I seem to remember _you_ were the one who said no, not me."

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I hurt your delicate ego? Get over it, Jon! Not every woman is falling all over herself to marry you. I, for one, can think of a long list of reasons why it would be a terrible idea."

"And a list of all the reasons it would be a good one."

"So you do remember!"

"Of course. You think I would come here to argue with you if there was no point to it?"

"Who said there's a point? You aren't going to change my mind." She folded her arms over her chest, setting her whole being against him.

"Oh really?" He looked amused, and she was overcome with the urge to hit him. Hard. Maybe leaving a mark.

"_Really_," she retorted.

He stepped forward and seized her by the arms, kissing her deeply. She struggled against him, but his hold was too tight. She contemplated using her Gift to burn him, but he began walking her backwards into the room, kicking the door shut behind him. Each step she took to get away, he matched and continued their kiss. Only part of her wanted to get away. Another, larger part, rebelled against that urge and wanted to enjoy it.

Finally, she was able to move back far enough. She held out her hands, legs braced. "Stop right there," she warned him. "You're not going to overcome me with kisses. Not," she added, "that you are that good of a kisser." He looked amused. "This isn't funny!" She sent violet fire into the corners of the room to ward them against listeners. "You seem to think this is all some kind of grand _joke._ Yes, I'm in love with you. You knew that already. But you don't seem to understand that _I can't marry you._ It would be a terrible idea. You can't see it now, but give it some time…"

"Alanna." Jonathan looked very serious all of a sudden. "I do understand. I thought about what kind of queen you would make. It would be unconventional to be sure, but I wouldn't have asked you if I thought it would harm Tortall in any way." He lowered his voice. "I want to be a good king, Alanna. I am not a rash man, and you know it."

"Jonathan." She searched his blue eyes for some shred of doubt she could latch onto. "We can't get married. We fight, this is just an indicator of that…"

"All couples fight, Alanna." He moved toward her again, and she let him. "I love you. That's not enough to last us the rest of our days, but you're my best friend. I know you love Tortall as much as I do. You would defend her to the end. You would make a better queen than you realize." He stood just in front of her, looking down at her with sincere blue eyes. "I watched you grow up." He brushed her copper hair behind her ear. "I know you, Alanna. I know you're scared." He wrapped her in his arms. "But we can _do_ this." He kissed her gently. "Stop doubting it and allow yourself to realize it too."

"Jon…" her voice was hoarse. Her mind fought with itself, one side telling her to say yes, the other telling her to run away screaming. "I-"

"Shh." His mouth was so close she could feel his breath. She shivered. "Don't talk." He kissed her, massaging her mouth with his, pulling her tighter against his body. She allowed herself to be kissed, hands pressed against his chest. She felt his heartbeat under her palms, the ridges of his muscles beneath her fingers. She allowed herself to be walked backwards to the bed, allowed herself to be dipped backward onto it. He knew this dance as well as she did, those moments before they made love.

She gently pushed at his chest. "This changes nothing," she warned him, eyes steely. "When this is over, my answer is still no."

Jonathan chuckled. "I know it is." He kissed her nose. "But no doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other, does it?"

* * *

He spent the night in her small bed. It was made for one, so their bodies were pressed together all night. It wasn't uncomfortable – they had spent some two years sleeping together like this. She stirred first, looking at his peaceful face. She brushed stray hair from his handsome face and kissed him ever so gently. "Jon…" she whispered, dotting small kisses all over his face. "Jon, wake up."

"Mm?" he raised his eyebrows, but didn't awaken.

"Yes," she told him thickly. "My answer is yes."

* * *

_I rather liked parts of that. I'm nearly done reading the series again, and this is nearing completion. There will not be a sequel, but I do know how it's going to end already. Thanks for al the continued support! You're wonderful._


	10. Chapter 10

**YOU BY THE LIGHT IS THE GREATEST FIND, IN A WORLD FULL OF WRONG, YOU'RE THE THING THAT'S RIGHT**

He couldn't say asleep after that. Jonathan sat up quickly and looked down at her. "What did you just say?"

"Yes," she whispered, glancing up at him from under her lashes. "I said yes."

"Yes to… what?" he asked suspiciously. He needed to hear her say it. He wanted no misunderstandings.

"Yes-" she sat up and looked into his blue eyes – she wanted no questions, "I will marry you."

As the words sank in, a slow smile spread across his face. "You will?" She nodded and he grinned eagerly. She returned the grin. Their mouths crashed together, their heads meeting the pillow. They pulled apart, smiling too broadly to kiss effectively. Jonathan brushed the hair back from her face. "I love you, Alanna."

"I love you too, Jon."

* * *

As they dressed, the newly betrothed couple made plans to split up friends. Jon would tell some, Alanna would tell others. The list Jonathan had to tell was shorter, because it was up to him to make the formal announcement. Alanna had to tell most – "if I have to tell the whole Court, you get to have the personal conversations" – and she began to draft an order in her head. She would tell Myles first, then figure out who came next. She knew she would tell George last. Even if he loved Thayet now, Alanna still feared he would be heartbroken hearing she was marrying Jonathan. Coram had returned to Trebond after their return, so she would have to ride out to tell him – this wasn't something she could just write in a letter.

She found Myles in his classroom. He had a few moments before the pages came in for their lesson. "Ah, Alanna." He greeted her with a smile. "This brings back memories."

She looked around. "It does," she admitted with a smile, settling into the seat she had occupied for most of her time in the room. "This seat feels a lot smaller."

Myles laughed. "You've grown. Not much, but some." Alanna made a face. It was common to tease her about her diminutive size, but that didn't make the jabs any less annoying. "Now, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"

Alanna sat back and played with her hands. She wore no ring – that would wait until after Jonathan announced it to the Court. "I wanted you to hear it from me before Jon makes the official announcement this evening." Myles raised a questioning eyebrow, but said nothing. She looked directly at him, eyes dancing, a smile touching the corners of her mouth. "We're betrothed."

"You and Jonathan?" She nodded. "That's wonderful!"

"You think so?" Myles was technically her father now, but she had always wanted his approval. She admired him greatly.

"Why?" he asked. "Don't you?"

"No, I do." She smiled somewhat tensely. "I just… I want to make sure I'm not crazy."

Myles laughed. "You are, a bit," he told her. "But you wouldn't be where you are today if you weren't a _little_ touched in the head."

* * *

By the time the sun was setting, Alanna had told Myles, Gary, Raoul, Liam, Thayet, Thom, and Buri (not in that order) that she was betrothed. Jon had gotten to Gary and Raoul first, but Alanna went to delay going into the city to see George. Thayet had asked her quietly if she'd told him yet. Much as she liked George, she knew the thief had carried (if he didn't still) a torch for the lady knight. Alanna had shaken her head, and Thayet looked wary. Thom asked if she had told Coram, and she answered she planned on riding in a few days to do so. Jonathan had also told Alex, whom Alanna didn't particularly consider a friend (he _had_ tried to kill her).

Alanna and Jonathan met in his study not long before dinner. "Have you told everyone?" he asked her.

"Almost," she answered, entering his arms. "I have to go into the city to tell George, and ride to Trebond to tell Coram."

"You haven't told George yet?" Jonathan looked wary. "Why?"

"He makes me the most concerned," she answered honestly. "He loved me, after all. I don't want to hurt him."

"Would you like it if I told him?"

"No." She kissed him and gave a small smile. "I have to do it. But thank you." They kissed again.

"Are you ready to tell everyone?" he asked, taking her hands and searching her eyes. "This is it."

"This is it." She took a deep breath. "And, no, I'm not ready." He looked alarmed. "But I doubt I ever will be."

"Alanna…"

"Not like that!" Alanna kissed him to quiet his nerves. "I just… I'm not opposed to it. I'm not going to stop you; I just haven't made peace with myself yet. If that makes any sense."

"It doesn't," Jon answered shortly, stepping away. "What are you _saying_? That you're not ready to be queen? Because you don't really have a choice. The coronation is in a week. After that, I'm king. So, when we're married, you'll be queen."

"I know that," she told him, exasperated. "But it's not as if we're getting married _tomorrow_. I have some time."

"What are you not ready for? This betrothal or to be queen?"

"Being queen."

They were silent, looking at each other from five paces. Tension built between them. Alanna wanted to kick herself for having said anything; Jonathan wondered why she'd said yes in the first place if she wasn't ready to be queen. "But I have some time to get used to it," she whispered finally. "Don't I?"

"Yes…" he was hesitant. If she weren't ready now, would she ever be? She was "ready" to marry him – that's what "yes" meant. But marrying Jonathan wasn't really marrying Jonathan of Conté. It was marrying _King_ Jonathan now. He wasn't just another nobleman, he was king of Tortall. He wished she had said yes before his parents had died. If he were only prince, she _would_ have time to adjust, to grow accustomed to life as a future queen. Now that she was being thrust into it… for the first time in a long time, Jonathan began to question whether they were really making the right decision.

* * *

Halfway through dinner, Jonathan stood up. All conversation immediately stopped as eyes of all colors drifted toward the soon-to-be king. He cleared his throat and addressed the room in his deep clear voice. "As you all know, one of the duties of the king is to marry and produce heirs for the good of the kingdom." Alanna tensed at these words. She didn't want to start popping out children just yet! Fortunately, Jonathan didn't notice. "With my coronation only a week away, I know there have been whisperings about how I should pick a bride sooner rather than later, especially since my cousin's," he coughed, "ah, _untimely_ passing." A murmur went through the room, and some eyes glanced at Alanna, who shifted uncomfortably. _Roger deserved to die_, she told herself for the millionth time. "And I suppose I've done a decent job of hiding that… I've chosen the future queen of Tortall." More murmurs. Alanna heard Delia of Eldorne's name passed around, and suddenly wanted to be ill. One or two people mentioned Thayet, which Alanna could have lived with. Jon and Thayet would have been good for each other. Still would, but she and George had hit it off, and Jon was still seemingly committed to marrying Alanna, for gods know what crazy reason. "Alanna, will you stand up, please?" She glared at him, and did so. Now the whispering really started. He held out his hand, and she walked over, swearing she'd get back at him for this later. Why did it have to be such a big deal? Then she remembered. _Big deals are going to be your life now. You're marrying the king._ Jonathan took her hand and squeezed it, flashing her a reassuring smile. She smiled back, tensely, and faced the crowd of nobles.

"To Jonathan and Alanna!" Raoul said, raising his glass, trying to avert disaster.

"Hear, hear!" a few more of their friends chimed in. The other nobles drank to it as well, but the whispering continued. Alanna did her best to block it out. Jonathan's arm around her waist helped, but she felt very uncomfortable, and conspicuous in her violet dress. She shifted and swallowed hard. What had she gotten herself into?

* * *

_Okay, so it's not going to be totally like "Always." (Which you can read if you haven't. That's more old school AJ writing from me.) The song is "Terrified" by Katharine McPhee and Jason Reeves. Hope you enjoyed!_


	11. Chapter 11

**FINALLY MADE IT THROUH THE LONELY TO THE OTHER SIDE**

There was no putting it off any longer. Alanna had to tell George, and she had to do it soon. So, early the next morning, she crept out of Jonathan's room, cloaking herself in magic. She didn't need anyone asking questions. She was enough of a scandal without it getting around that she and Jonathan were sharing a bed at night. With only whispered greetings to servants and Stefan the hostler, Alanna saddled Moonlight and rode into the City. She entered George's room through a back way, but he was already up. He raised his eyebrows upon her entrance. "Mornin'," he greeted. "What brings ye here at this early hour?"

"I need to talk to you," she said, sitting on his bed. "And I put it off until now, so maybe you've heard it from someone else or through the grapevine…"

He had, in fact, but he would pretend for her. "Heard what?" He went about sharpening one of his ever-present daggers. She avoided looking at him, and he said gently, "Ye can tell me, lass."

Without looking up, she blurted, "I'm betrothed. To Jon." The words sat for a moment, and she began to pace like a caged lion. "And I know you were in love with me and I'm sorry for not telling you before, but I just didn't know what to do. But you have Thayet now, and that's saying something. Thayet's great. She's probably better for Jon than I am, but for some insane reason he wants _me_ to be queen, which sounds like a recipe for disaster-" She stopped abruptly, realizing George was laughing. She looked at him, somewhere between confused and annoyed. "Why are you laughing?" she demanded.

The thief wiped his streaming eyes. "Lass, ye act like ye need t' explain yerself." He rose and put his hands firmly on her shoulders, holding her eyes. "I love ye. I'm not goin' t' deny that. But yer right. I have someone else. She's not th' Lioness, but who is?" He kissed her gently, a parting gesture. "Ye'll make a great queen. Don't doubt yerself for a moment. Yer th' Lioness. Yer my Alanna. Ye can do anythin'."

"Not really," she said with a forced smile. "But I appreciate the sentiment." She cocked her head. "Did you know? You seem… fine. Or have I really been replaced so easily?"

George's hazel eyes danced. "I heard about it late last night."

"_Thayet told you_?"

"Ye still haven't learned?" He looked amused. "Servants _talk_. We got a couple of 'em in here late, tellin' us we were gettin' a new queen."

"Did anyone put together that it was little Alan?" the knight wanted to know. She's received an invaluable second education in the common room of the Dancing Dove.

"Maybe." George shrugged. "I'm not about t' go confirmin' or denyin' their suspicions. No need t' tell any of 'em that 'Johnny' was really Prince Jonathan." Alanna nodded. He was right. She trusted the men of the Dove, but only as far as one could trust a criminal. George was different, but she couldn't be sure enough that the others were.

She embraced her old friend. "Thank you, George." She smiled at him. "I thought this was going to be harder."

"Ye and me both, lass. Ye and me both."

* * *

Dropping her magical cloak, Alanna shut the door to Jonathan's room behind her. The soon to be king had just begun to stir – her trip into the city had been short. "Good morning," he said, a sleepy smile playing on his lips. "Where've you been?"

"Why?" she asked, climbing in next to him. "Did you miss me?"

"Yes. You're very warm," he answered, kissing her forehead. "You smell like horse."

"Well aren't you charming," she said sarcastically. "I went into the city to talk to George." Jonathan raised his eyebrows. "He's fine with it. Surprisingly so. Thayet must be good for him."

"Good." Jonathan stretched his long body. "The more people on our side, the better."

"What do you mean?" she asked, propping herself up on her elbow.

"Well." Jon placed his feet on the floor, back to her, to continue stretching the kinks out of his body. "It's as you said. You're still a bit of a scandal. There are some who don't exactly _support_ you becoming queen. Mostly those who dislike change." Alanna gave his back a confused look. "The same people who thought you should have been banished after finding out you're a woman." She disliked the arrogance in his voice. "Nothing to worry about, love."

"Mhm." Alanna lay back, staring up at the ceiling. Jonathan went about getting ready. "Jon?"

"Yes?"

"Why do you love me?"

"What?" She sat up and looked at him. He wore breeches and no shirt.

"Why do you love me?"

He slid a white shirt over his head. "Why do you ask?"

"Because I'm curious."

He came over at sat at the edge of the bed. "It's not something I can easily _explain_," he told her honestly. "I don't keep a list in my head of all the reasons I love you. Why, do you?"

"No, I guess not." She frowned slightly, considering. "I guess I just… wonder, that's all."

"Do you think I'm doing this as some sort of delayed rebellion against my father?" he asked, blue eyes hard. "Or for some other wrong reason?"

"What? No!" Alanna jerked her outstretched legs away from him, swinging them over the side of the bed. "A person can't be curious?"

"You can be curious," he answered slowly, "but I don't want you thinking even for a second that I'm marrying you for any other reason than _I love you_ and _I want to marry you._"

Alanna stood, and walked away from him. She sighed. "I just still don't understand, that's all. I'm still wrapping my mind around this is all." He said nothing. "Jon?"

"I don't want to argue about this again," he told her. She looked back and saw that he now stood clear across the room, leaning against the wall. "If you're not ready to be queen, Alanna, then maybe we shouldn't get married."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that if you aren't sure, maybe we shouldn't do this. I'm practically king already, Alanna. You have to be okay with that."

"I am!"

"Okay with me being king or you being queen?" Alanna hesitated. Before she could say anything else, Jon cut her off. "That's what I thought." He shook his head. "I'll see you downstairs."

"Jon, wait!" But he'd already left.

* * *

_Okay, that was terrible. I freely admit that. I'm trying to finish this, because now it's just weighing me down. I know how it's going to end. No worries._


	12. Chapter 12

**YOU SAID IT AGAIN MY HEART'S IN MOTION EVERY WORD FEELS LIKE A SHOOTING STAR I'M AT THE EDGE OF MY EMOTIONS WATCHIN' THE SHADOWS BURNIN' IN THE DARK**

They were married and they were crowned and nothing changed. Alanna wasn't sure she was ready to be queen, Jonathan wasn't sure he'd made the right call. It was even worse to watch George and Thayet fall madly in love and announce their betrothal. Alanna, even sitting at Jonathan's right hand, his hand gently covering hers, couldn't help but look at the thief-turned-baron and wonder why she hadn't told _him_ yes. He'd never formally asked, but he'd wanted to. She knew it as well as he did. Watching him fall in love with Thayet while she fell out of love with Jon… it killed her.

One night, four months after their wedding, Alanna slid into bed beside Jonathan with a soft sigh. He looked up from the document was reading. "You all right?" he asked, concern filling his blue eyes. He might not want to be married to her, but he still cared for her.

"Mhm," Alanna answered, nestling down into the pillow. "Just tired, that's all." Jonathan looked down at her. She felt his gaze and opened her eyes. "Problem?"

He put down the parchment and cleared his throat. _Uh oh_, she thought. "Are you ready to take off that… ah… charm?"

"Excuse me?"

Jonathan reached down and lifted her pregnancy charm, on the same chain as her ember from the Great Mother Goddess. Alanna shivered at the memory of her seventeenth birthday, when this was new and his touch excited her. How she wanted to feel like that when his fingers brushed her throat now! "Are you ready to take this off?" His blue eyes were steady.

"You mean have a baby?"

"Well… yes."

"Am I ready to give you an heir, you mean?"

"Stop delaying, Alanna." His blue eyes flashed. She sat up, feeling anger rise in her stomach.

"Well, excuse _me_," she snapped. "I'm sorry for thinking that having a _child_ – the _heir_ – isn't something that needs a bit of consideration!"

"We've been married _four months._ You haven't been _considering_?"

"No." Jonathan held her eyes, and she matched his stare. Part of her wanted to hit him, another wanted to fling herself at him, and a third wanted to roll over and just go to sleep to avoid another argument. "Fine." She practically flung the chain off her neck, feeling lighter without the ember around her neck. "Let's have a baby."

He immediately softened. "Are you sure?" he asked quietly. "I don't want-"

"Shut up and kiss me," she snapped, fire burning in her violet eyes. Jonathan tossed the paper in his lap aside and crashed his mouth into hers, pressing her back down onto the bed. Alanna pulled him down on top of her as he kissed her fiercely. _This is what I missed_, she thought somewhat giddily. _This feeling right here._

Five months later and the queen was showing. The monarchs arrived at Pirate's Swoop with the queen holding her belly, looking unhappy at being unable to ride. Jonathan looked annoyed, causing George and Thayet to exchange a look. They suspected Alanna had given him an earful of her displeasure on the way down, and the baron and baroness knew better than almost anyone the marital problems in the royal wing.

"Welcome, welcome!" Thayet greeted, embracing her friends. "We have rooms all prepared." She pressed a hand to Alanna's swollen belly. "Baby giving you much trouble?"

"None at all," Alanna lied, smiling sweetly. Thayet winked at her, and Alanna smiled for real.

"D'you have a preference boy or girl?" George asked, guiding the king inside.

Jonathan shook his head. "A king might be better for the sake of inheritance, but a part of me wants a little girl like her mother." The friends exchanged a smile at the memory of little Alan of Trebond.

"Names?"

"Roald for a boy, but we're still deciding for a girl." George nodded. "What about you? Are you and Thayet thinking about babies?"

"Of course." George smiled wistfully and Jon felt a pang of longing. He doubted he ever looked quite like that when it came to _his_ wife. "But we're waitin' a bit. We want t' enjoy each other." He glanced at the king. "Guess ye didn't have that luxury?"

"No. We need an heir, just in case." Jonathan sighed. "Not to whine, but it's not easy being king."

George, who knew about the pressure of kingship, laughed and clapped his friend on the shoulder. "I know just what ye mean."

Prince Roald was four months old, and never seemed to stop crying. "Damn it, won't he be quiet?" Jonathan grumbled when the child woke them for the fifth time that night. Until he stopped suckling, they kept him in their room, hoping to spare the palace nursemaids. "Alanna, Roald's crying again."

"I can hear that," she snapped. "You get him. I got him last time."

"He doesn't _want_ me."

"Oh, you can understand him now? You have conversations? What's his opinion on the state of the wheat harvest this year?"

"Must you always be so sarcastic?"

"When I'm on this little sleep? Yes. Can you _please_ shut him up?"

Jonathan picked up the child and bounced him on his hip, cooing in a begging tone. The baby began to quiet, and fell asleep on his shoulder. Failing to suppress a yawn, he laid the child back in his crib, climbing back in beside his wife. "Thank you," she grumbled. "Maybe that will be the last time for the night."

"From your lips to the gods' ears," Jonathan agreed. He settled back to sleep, facing away from Alanna's back.

"Thank you for coming out with me," Alanna said to Thayet as they rode into the Royal Forest with a few guards. She couldn't go anywhere without someone watching her, no matter how often she reminded Jonathan she was a full-blooded knight. "I had to get out of the palace. It's so gods-cursed _stuffy_ in there." The queen rolled her head around, stretching out her neck, and stretched down into her heel. It felt very different to be back on Moonlight, no matter how familiar the mare was.

"It's no problem," Thayet answered. "Jon won't miss you too much?" Alanna sighed, and Thayet paused. "Everything all right?"

"Fine." Her tone told the woman it wasn't. "How do you and George do it, Thayet?"

"Do what?"

Alanna glanced at her friend with a look she couldn't describe. "Be in love."

_This was awful. I'm going to write the last chapter right now._


	13. Chapter 13

**AND I'M IN LOVE, AND I'M TERRIFIED, FOR THE FIRST TIME, AND THE LAST TIME, IN MY ONLY LIFE**

The Lioness's famed violet eyes fluttered opened. She blinked, taking in her surroundings, before sitting up and stretching. "Good mornin'." She looked down at her husband and smiled. His dancing eyes were half-closed, but a sleepy smile played on his beautiful mouth.

"Good morning." She leaned down and kissed him gently.

"You're chipper this mornin'. Sleep well?"

She nodded. "I had the strangest dream."

"Want t' tell me about it?"

Alanna cuddled into George's shoulder. "Not really."

"All right. Want t' just lay here a moment?"

"Mm. That sounds nice." She groaned. "We're riding for Corus today."

"That's tomorrow. I'm worried about right now." He kissed the top of her head and she sighed happily.

"Jon… Jon…" He slowed opened his blue eyes, the image of Thayet clearing in his vision. Her black hair was mussed from sleep, her skin clear and radiant. He smiled at her. "Good morning, sleepyhead," she teased. "Sleep well?"

"I did." He tugged her arm, and she lay down beside him, resting her head on his shoulder. "I had an odd dream."

"Did you? What was it about?"

He absently kissed her temple and stared up at the ceiling. "Alanna was _queen_."

Thayet paused. "How did that work out?" she asked inquisitively. He couldn't quite read her tone.

"Not well." He smiled, craning his neck to look at her. "You married George."

"Did I?" Thayet looked amused. "I'm flattered. If Alanna were queen, I doubt I would have ever met you."

"That's possible." They kissed. "I'm glad you did."

"Me too."

The following day, a soft knock came at Jonathan's door. "Come in!" he called, not looking up from his notes. "One moment. I just have to finish this line…"

"Hard at work as always, I see," a familiar voice teased. He looked up to see his King's Champion leaning against the door to his study. "Hello, Jon."

"Alanna!" He rose quickly, crossing the room to embrace her. "I wasn't expecting to see you for a while. Not after all I made you do for me lately."

She shrugged. "What can I say? It's hard to stay away from adventure." She grinned and hugged him tightly. "It's good to see you, though."

"Sit." He indicated a chair, which she dropped herself into. He sat behind his desk, leaning back. "What really brings you to Corus?"

Alanna grinned. "I can't just come back to be here? Am I not wanted anymore?"

"Of course you are." He smiled easily. "It's just that you said when you left two weeks ago you had no intention of coming back for awhile. Something about needing time to be a wife?"

"Did I really say that? Goddess, I've changed!" They laughed, remembering how many times she'd insisted she had no intention of ever marrying. "Anyway. Myles' birthday is in a few days, and I've missed all his other ones… plus, I think Eleni might have taken one of George's ears if he didn't show up. So, here I am."

"Ah." Jonathan nodded. "I had the oddest dream about you the other night?"

"Really?" Alanna settled back in her chair. "That's funny, because I had one about you."

"That's strange. In mine, we married, and-"

"Thayet married George?"

"Yes. How did you know?"

"I had the same one." They looked at each other for a moment, somewhat horrified. Alanna broke the silence. "Could you only imagine, us winding up married? We'd have been miserable."

"I like you just where you are, thank you," Jonathan told her. "I need the Lioness on my side."

She smiled wickedly. "You've seen what happens to those on my bad side."

Jonathan shuddered. "Don't remind me." He smiled at her. "Glad we're on the same page, then."

"What would you have done if we weren't?"

"I don't know." Jonathan considered this for a moment. "Run out of the room screaming?"

Alanna laughed. "That sounds about right. I might have done the same thing."

The friends smiled at each other, any moment of tension past them. In the Divine Realms, the Great Mother Goddess smiled. "Be at peace, my daughter," she whispered, her words echoing in the Lioness' head. "You made the right choice."

_I'm sorry this sucked so badly toward the end. At some point, I lost it and just wanted it to end. I will admit that I still love Alanna and Jonathan together, but I think she made the right choice. Alanna as queen would be disastrous. I like her as Champion._


End file.
